What a wild ride it has been! At the end of August, my husband seriously injured his back, and as his pain intensified, we began to fear the injury could be permanent and profoundly life~changing.
At the ER a few days later, we received the wonderful news that there were no fractures and only age~expected disc degeneration. However, he was also given a medication that led to numerous and debilitating side effects. In turn, these elicited a string of other reactions from which we are still reeling more than a month later. Our life has, indeed, been turned upside down.
And, of course, while all this was going on, so was the rest of life, including several deadlines concerning the publication of the book I've spent the last year and a half imbuing with heart and soul.
This time has been filled with many gifts, as well as lessons in trust and surrender. I am called to trust more deeply that we will be guided forward, and that all that needs doing will get done. I am also learning to more fully surrender to the rollicking ride our life has become.
By nature, I'm a worker bee. I'm not a workaholic by any means, but I do work steadily and consistently toward the goals I set for myself. And yet, the jumble of tasks, emotions, doctor appointments, and household and personal maintenance has thrown all that up into the air.
As anxiety spiked one day about how I could possibly get everything done, a Bible story came to mind, the one of Jesus feeding 5,000 people from just five loaves of bread and 2 fish. But for the Resurrection, it is the only miracle recorded in all four canonical gospels, one indication that its message is of particular importance.
As I stand at my own Sea of Galilee, this story reminds me that sufficient loaves and fish exist to attend to and complete the tasks at hand, even if I cannot fathom the how of it. Challenging times butt us right up against our ego's desire to run the show and have things move in accordance with our desires, expectations, and personal timetables.
Yet if we let them, such times can also guide us to more fully accept that we are only human and need only do our best. No matter how I would like things to be, or how I would like myself to be, my best effort is all I can give. When I can't see my way forward, when I am weary or frightened or uncertain, I can do what I can...and it is enough.
A deeper message emerges as I further contemplate this Bible story now, one that extends far beyond the current drama being played out in my personal life. The tale reminds us that a different sort of physics applies to matters of the spirit.
In the outer world, there is a finite supply of energy. Where Love is concerned, though, a different dynamic reigns. Love is not diminished by loving. Rather the act of loving welcomes further love, in oneself and in others.
Love is a spring that surges more robustly from the drinking. Or to keep with our current metaphor, our basket of fish grows ever more full, providing ongoing sustenance in a way our rational minds cannot fully grasp. Bread and fish given create more of each to give.
If we give from our personal well alone, over time we will become depleted body and soul. But if we tap into that larger stream, that greater Love, an otherwise limited supply is ever renewed, and the impossible becomes possible.
Jesus did not only speak in parables. He lived them, enacting in his life what can become a model for our own. Before breaking the bread by the Sea that day, we are told he looked up to heaven and gave thanks. In this simple act, Jesus stepped symbolically into that stream of greater Love, making clear his connection to the Divine and expressing gratitude for Its many gifts. In so doing, he provides us an example of how to move forward ourselves.
In our very human lives, we do often need to reevaluate our commitments and the many shoulds we have unconsciously adopted, lest we overextend ourselves. In every moment, though, and particularly when life is hard, this Jesus story offers us a template of how to proceed.
We first, in whatever way fits our personal theology, reestablish our connection to that which is eternal and give thanks for the opportunity to be alive on this small planet swirling in space. We then bless our loaves and our fish, and begin to do as we can, distributing our talents and efforts as we are called. Then we trust and we surrender. And we call it good.
My husband's back is slowly improving, his pain lessening. The medicine that caused him so much hardship is mostly out of his system now, and with the help of skilled practitioners we are developing a plan to address the other health issues created by this perfectly imperfect storm.
And I'm pleased to say that Enchanted, A Tale of Remembrance will be available on Amazon, loaves and fish willing, by the end of November.
Against this backdrop, I continue to be taught how to become more fully human, with grace, trust and surrender. Looking up to heaven, to that which is beyond what my personality can grasp, I step again and again into that stream of love. And I give thanks for it all.
Much, much love...and with many loaves and fish offered!
Leia
