Spirituality: Balm or Bludgeon

Last week I wrote about the challenges of going with the ebb. On a related note, the belief system we carry with us into that ebb will help determine our experience while there.

One of the many imports from Eastern religious traditions is the concept of karma, the law of cause and effect applied on a grand, soul~development scale. Obviously, this notion is quite helpful in encouraging us toward a larger vision. However, the way this theory is applied can often perpetuate harm.

The inspiration for this essay was the half~joking comment made by a friend of mine this morning, referring to some unknown bad karma as the cause of her ongoing and expensive troubles with a lemon of a car she bought a year or two ago. However, bad karma has also been used to explain experiences of rape and childhood abuse, starvation and poverty, and incarnation into an ethnicity, country, or religion that is subjected to war and genocide.

We humans are meaning~making creatures. We want things to make sense, since the only thing worse than suffering is to suffer without meaning. And so the idea of cause and effect is beneficial as it shores up our belief that life, which may often seem capricious and incomprehensible, is playing by the rules, some rules anyway. If a situation seems terribly unfair and just plain wrong, we can rest more easily knowing that an explanation can be found in an individual’s actions, whether several months or years ago, or during a former, albeit unremembered, life.

Now, let me clearly state what should be obvious: I know not the mind of God or the vast workings of the Cosmos. Perhaps it really is that simple. As with most spiritual concepts, however, my guess is that we humans pare down the notion of karma into a form the Angels would hardly recognize. How could we not, as our wee brains grapple with the Infinite? What I’m interested in exploring here, though, is how our simplistic explanations affect the victims of atrocities and the ones who watch from the sidelines.

First, the victims. I have spent years working with trauma survivors who have taught me how the hate and disrespect inflicted by their abusers becomes internalized. Abusers, who don’t allow authentic guilt to dissuade them from their actions, seem to transfer to their victims both their unclaimed shame and the malice and disregard that propels their behavior.

This dynamic is most clearly seen in instances of sexual and physical abuse, in which there seems to be an almost energetic transmission of shame and loathing. The abuser walks away, and the victim carries the disgrace for him. This shame then weaves its way throughout her psyche, and pops up in some unexpected ways that seem, at first glance, removed from the original experience.

The same can be true for any group that is subjected to mass abuse and disrespect. We humans are social creatures. What that means is that we are open to one another; our boundaries are permeable. Hate gets in. And once in, its corrosive effect travels throughout our beings and molds us in ways we cannot always see.

An application of the concept of karma to explain harmful situations in life is, therefore, something that requires a clear~eyed examination. If someone chooses to believe that being born into an abusive family is a karmic reaction to past wrong behavior, that’s fine. But not until he spends some time examining that belief for evidence of good old fashioned victim~blaming.

Now what about the folks who attribute difficulties in the lives of others to karma? While I understand the relief gained in finding an explanation for injustice, personally I find it troubling. A belief that a victim in any way karmically ‘deserves’ her difficulty makes an authentically compassionate response less likely. It also heaps additional burdens on a person who is trying to heal, as well as strengthens a climate in which overt blame can take root.

In the case of societal abuse, the concept of karma tempts us to not actively challenge systems that give privilege to some at the expense of others. A clear link can usually be found between systemic oppression and economic and political policies that support it, and anything that makes that truth easier to ignore, rather than actively oppose, is dangerous. We risk becoming passive bystanders who accept the unacceptable from a position of a rather smug detachment. And that attitude will, if there is any truth to this theory at all, certainly set in motion a negative future karmic reaction.

An assumption of responsibility, without specific evidence, is a form of judgment, no matter what spiritual terms are used. And we need to tread cautiously when we approach that path.

So, what is a helpful and spiritually nurturing reaction to injustice? For me, it is to respond with an active form of compassion. When confronted by the pain of others, I need to respond from the awareness that we are all linked, and harm to one is harm to us all. That requires that I then do what I can, that I do what is mine to do to ameliorate the harm. Depending on the situation, it may be to listen with an open heart as private horrors are shared. Perhaps I’ll need to pray with my feet by working for a certain political candidate who has the best chance of redressing wrongs. It may mean holding a person or situation in my heart during meditation, or sending money to support a particular cause. It does, I feel, require doing something.

And, what attitude is best to bring with us into our own personal ebb tides? The very same~~an active compassion. We can hold ourselves gently while doing what is ours to do. We can also allow our pain to connect us with the pain of others, to grow the boundaries of our hearts so that we break free of isolation and become softer toward ourselves and others in this challenging experience of being human.

If there are lessons to be learned from difficulties~~and I believe there always are, regardless of whether responsibility is ascribed~~we will learn those lessons so much better within a supportive context. This is true for our children in school. It is equally true for all of us here in Earth School as well.  And with active compassion as our approach, our spirituality becomes a balm for what ails us.

So, I wish you success in bringing an active compassion to your own tender places and difficult times, as well as to those of others.

Namaste!

Loanne Marie

Mom Quilt

Mothers. We all have them. Some are wonderful, archetypal in their ability to authentically and richly love and nurture. Others are harsh, rejecting, abandoning, damaging. However, most seem to be a swirling mix of positive and negative aspects~~as are we all~~though, with a decided slant toward the good.

As a psychotherapist, I have been given a unique view into the lives of children of all ages, and have heard many stories of various mother-child dyads. I have also been given the opportunity to see the ways in which folks internalize aspects of their mothers~~for good or ill~~and have witnessed the gradual resolution of destructive mother wounds. And I have seen this healing advanced through attention to, not only the mothers of one’s immediate family, but the other mothers encountered in life. For you see, most of us have known several mothers and, if we’re wise, will continue to collect new ones throughout our lives.

Mothering is not something that is confined to the women who birthed us way back when or to those who raised us. Mothering, is not a biological or a sociological fact. It is a way of relating offered by the women who grace our lives with their presence.

A relevant concept from traditional psychology is that of the maternal introject. This term refers to the process by which children internalize the qualities of their mothers. While the infant and toddler require the mother’s presence to feel safe, for example, by the time a child has made repeated forays into the world outside the family, she or he has hopefully learned to carry that sense of safety within them. This internalized mother allows them to gradually expand their world and gain a sense of autonomy.

The difficulty comes, of course, when the child’s mother is not safe, or not consistently so. But here is where that incredible resilience of the human spirit comes in~~and lucky that it does. Children who were given a mother who was inconsistent, confusing, or harmful often find positive mother figures, and instinctively use them to modify that original defective model. They internalize aspects of these mothers as well. Being able to draw on several maternal figures is important for all children, since it furthers the awareness that safety and support are not confined to one person or one relationship. However, for children who were abused, neglected, or otherwise given short shrift in the mother department, this task is essential.

The work of rounding out or healing a less than totally healthy maternal introject is an important aspect of maturation for most of us. We must make peace with the internal mother mix~~heal the aspects that were harmful, nurture those that remain beneficial~~all so that we can mother well, whether that mothering be of ourselves, our offspring, or within any important relationship of our lives.

The metaphor which seems to capture this process, and our task within it, is the Mom Quilt. To explain this image, though, a quick detour into the world of quilting is needed. There is a form known as the Crazy Quilt, which consists of many pieces of fabric of various colors, patterns, shapes and sizes. The skill of the esthetically inclined quilter lies in the placing of these disparate swatches, one against the other, to form a whole that is pleasing to the eye.  A given fabric may not be particularly appealing in itself and would not be chosen for an entire spread. However, together with the others, in just the right placement and unified within the perfect border, it works beautifully. An added delight is that such a quilt is utterly unique, a one-of-a-kind creation.

This seems a particularly appropriate symbol for the task set for each of us~~the crafting of our very own Mother Quilt. The mother of our birth will certainly be included. If we were blessed with a loving and supportive biological mother, her fabric may be large and central to the entire quilt. If aspects of her influence were harmful, our task may be to cut her down to size, including her in a way that reflects her importance in our development, but no longer overpowers the entire quilt.

Other women~~aunts and grandmothers, supportive teachers, mothers of friends, fictional, religious or historic figures, professional or personal mentors, best girlfriends, and others~~have their own swatches worthy of inclusion. The size, shape, and placement of each will reflect the impact of that woman on our lives. And as we lend strength and love to others~~as well as to our own sweet souls~~these pieces, too, become part of the whole.

Now unlike a real life Crazy Quilt, our Mom Quilt will continue to be modified as the years go by. New women will come into our lives bringing with them new fabric, while others may decrease in importance as their swatches shrink or change position. Through the process of grieving when our mothers die, we may come to see them and their place in our lives differently, with a resultant alteration in their allotted portion of the whole. Indeed, our Mom Quilt must be a work in progress. With a light and flexible hand, we allow this creation to mature with us, while remaining open to new mothering figures who come our way. In just this manner, our quilt will provide warmth throughout a lifetime.

Yes, a Mom Quilt is a dynamic thing indeed. And utterly unique. We are the ones who determine its layout, who step back periodically to gauge the overall effect, who decide on needed changes. One nagging legacy of deficient mothering is that the child may unconsciously seek out ‘momming’ of the same defective style as the original. The Mom Quilt image can be used to clarify this process by encouraging us to search out new colors, shapes, and textures and to play around with positioning.

So on this Mother’s Day, here’s to every woman out there who mothers, nurtures, and supports others in the way best suited to their own talents and life situations. You are earning your place in the Mom Quilts of others!

And to those who are grieving the loss of a mother, or are struggling with the emotional harm inflicted by a harsh or distant one, I know that the classic Hallmark card doesn't accurately reflect your feelings on this day. Perhaps the metaphor of the Mother Quilt will soften the pain as it encourages you to step back and gain a richer perspective. This hurt will not always be so piercing.

On a personal note, to my own mother who crossed over nearly 12 years ago, your position in my quilt remains front and center. Your swatch, bright with the occasional darker swirl, continues to enrich my life as I discover aspects of your mothering I simply could not see while you walked this earth. I love you.

Blessings this day to all mothers~~and to all their children,

Loanne Marie